Abundance

When I was in a dark place a few years ago, scared out of my mind, I met Melanie Weidner at Guilford. She is a Quaker artist and spriritual director. I was new at Guilford and was flailing around in these dark waters looking for a handhold. I listened to my instincts enough to know that there had to be some handholds at Guilford...somewhere. Melanie was a visiting lecturer on campus to do some art workshops and had offered to meet with anyone who wanted to have a one-on-one session with her. So I called and set up an appointment. I probably wouldn't have done this at all had I not been feeling pretty desperate. I mean, I was a "therapist" in some alternate universe so I would have been highly skeptical of anyone without the "right" credentials. Yeah, that was just a flimsy shield against my own fear of vulnerability. (Turns out I had only been looking for sweet vulnerability in myself, and in a loved one.) And, who in their right mind allowed me to be called a "therapist" anyway?! Oh, that's grist for another mill someday.

So, I made an appointment to meet with Melanie, having never laid eyes on this woman. I met her in the Moon Room on campus. This is a beautiful, small, simple, serene Meeting for Worship room with benches in a Quaker square. My dear, dear friend Dick Dyer passed away in that room while delivering a talk to freshman parents in 1997. I can hardly be in there for anytime at all without crying. It's a place with a heavy presence for me, and was that way even before Dick made his grand exit. (I miss him so much.) Melanie was waiting for me there. "She's a child" I said in my head. She is a very young looking 30 something year old
( barely 30 I think). Her demeanor was welcoming, kind, eager, intensely genuine. I tried, but couldn't let her age or spunkiness block my way. I needed all that eagerness to help and hold my hand that she seemed to offer before the first word was spoken. I was in the place of needing....not a place I was used to or comfortable with. I basically let Melanie hold me up as I poured my heart out about being in this new territory, scared to death (did I mention I was scared?). I was scared but I was also not unhappy...I knew somehow that this new terrain was exactly where I needed to be. We talked about possibility and faith, and letting ourselves "be" in the darkness. She really understood my mixed up feelings of fear, anticipation, rightness and confusion.

One word I think of when I think of Melanie is "abundance." It's strange to write about it this morning, after just reading about women in Haiti eating dirt in their desperate measures to find food. But perhaps it does apply when you think about the abundance that we experience, and how, if it was shared, dirt as a staple would not be necessary. I digress, again. Melanie talked about God as abundant. That word made so much sense to me at that moment in my life. It goes back to seeing "small." I had lived with tunnel vision, not embracing, at least, the concept of abundance. I had lived thinking I had to hold onto every shred of everything, because there just might not be enough. It might all go away suddenly. Melanie's whole posture is the antithesis to that mentality. She speaks of the vastness of God, and the abundance of love and gifts available to all of us. When I thought about that, I felt as if I started to understand faith for the first time in my life. It's about abundance. Unlimited love. Being given this new, scary, unknown landscape, I was actually experiencing the abundance of God. It all made sense to me, at least for a moment.

It was quite an experience for me to allow Melanie to care for me by listening with such empathy. She has become a trusted touch point person. Just seeing her face when she comes back to Guilford is all I need to be reminded of abundance.

I am feeling such abundance today, and friends, I had a completely "in the jar" day yesterday. The old Karrie demons of self-doubt and insecurity were having a party in my head. I am only able to take the blinders off my limited vision in a small and feeble, human way. But when I acknowledge that they are there, God in God's abundance, opens up the way. Way opens friend, way opens. Despite ourselves.

I was thinking of listing all the books I have started right now...(oh how I wish I would complete one!). But one especially comes to mind today. I'm not sure if I can say why exactly I'm making this connection today. But anyway, it's called THE BARN AT THE END OF THE WORLD; The Apprenticeship of a Quaker, Buddhist Shepherd, by Mary Rose O'Reilley. I know you all would like it. When I met Mary Rose (ok, yes it was at Guilford), she looked like an austere, Quaker woman. Those kind who totally intimidate me with their seemingly perfect, simplistic lifestyles; completely centered and clear of mind. Her hair was in a a tight bun, and her clothes were probably hand woven, simple, plain, with a small but daring splash of deep eggplant (probably dyed with eggplant juice, I supposed) in her SHAWL. I was not going to relate to this woman. In fact, she is the very prototype of person that pushes every single inadequate button I have. And then....she opened her mouth. She is hysterically funny, irreverant, and so full of humility. She was so honest about her weaknesses, temptations and struggles. I could not get enough of her. She did a poetry reading (I hate poetry readings, ok, I confess it), but her's were incredibly open, funny, poignant. I laughed and cried...all the qualities of a great movie!

So you should read this book. I'm almost finished! (1/2 way done in my book is practically done.)

Here are some quotes from Mary Rose:

"Things go well or badly without explanation, but our humble vision of a good outcome (call it prayer) turns the will of time."

"How I admire messy individuals. What orderly minds they must have. I require clean spaces without to mediate the chatter within. My mind, unlike my dresser drawers, is full of mismatched socks and odd kitchen implements."
(that describes me to a "tee")

(love this one)
"Whatever your eye falls on-for it will fall on what you love-will lead you to the questions of your life, the questions that are incumbent upon you to answer, because that is how the mind works in concert with the eye. The things of this world draw us where we want to go."

Finally today, I have to say to each of you who might read this, that you represent that abundance. You have given me such unending, and unconditional love. I cannot ever believe my good fortune in knowing you.

There is abundance for our eyes.