What do you do when you reach a moment where you realize that, even in mid-life and just when you thought you may be doomed to repeat your bad habits, you actually have evolved? In some minuscule, subtle shifting sort of way, that seemed to happen this week. And, not only once...but several times. And not just myself, I witnessed the evolution of relationships. Even as I write this I hear a voice in my head reminding me that life is not linear. My bad habits will indeed (and have indeed! for always and always) repeat themselves. I'll give into my vices and familiar ways to self sabotage (old Larry Hof language Elaine!), but by gum, unless or until I lose all ability to remember, I will know that I have touched change.
So what am I talking about? I'm talking about a few moments this week. Me, Karrie, I took a stand. I said my truth, and in the workplace. I took on a role of supervisor handed to me mostly out of my colleague's avoidance of a certain office situation, so not under the purest of circumstances. But you know, I was perhaps more up to the task than I gave myself credit for. Facing a difficult personnel relationship, and framing it the way I thought best. It's really all about saying what needs to be said.
And then it happened again...when I decided to make it clear that certain conversations in front of my children with "his" friends are not acceptable.
"Do not let it happen again!" Turning outrage into change. Hearing my children say, "you should get mad more often Mom!" The more ME there is, the more I give to them, because, that's all I have to give to them - myself. My authentic self.
And then, it happened again! I brought a bigger portion of myself along to my "relationship" (*now here's a dilemma, what do I call the relationship I'm in? Most of you don't even know it, some of you just a glimmer...but it's a place where I'm learning and growing and digging around in the "dirt" I so longed for....ok, we'll just call him "E" and we won't say "boyfriend" because, well, that just sounds silly). I, remember me Karrie, said how mad I was about something...and that anger was accepted and, gulp, appreciated!! Why didn't any of you tell me that when you put your real, true, righteous anger out there, and it's heard, that POOF, it goes away. There's really no need to hold onto it. Done. Move on...get to the next place. YEAH.
Honestly, this week has been about relaxing; relaxing into myself. Actively participating in the faith that I can trust the sliver of my true self that I've gotten to know, because it's not ultimately from or about me. It's just about the truth. It's something about spirituality.
Let me give you a snapshot of the week, that explains why I feel so moved this morning to write and give thanks: my yard (remember now, I have a yard!), with me, "E" and my Dad cutting grass, trimming bushes, raking, and me using a tiller for my GARDEN to get it ready to plant! Did you get the Karrie, E and Dad visual? Oh, and did I mention 3 dogs to complete the visual? Yep, the kids were missing (they are at their Dad's), and boy do I wish they'd been here. Do I need to say more? I don't think so.
DIRT.
BEAUTIFUL, RICH, DEEP, FULL OF POTENTIAL .... DIRT.
I'm starting to understand its appeal for me. Why I'm drawn to it. Why I might need to not only get into it, but take pictures of it. I feel like un-tilled dirt sometimes. Life lived on the surface. Not much digging. By digging, I don't mean exploring, I've done some of that. By digging I mean action...facing fears, movement, being present, taking a damn full breath, speaking my words clearly and with volume enough to be heard. To touch that dirt, and just feel it, dig around in it. When you are in the dirt, you are just there...surrounded by potential. You don't really know for what, but you need that dirt to get it going. The rest really isn't about anything you have control over. It will come. "Way will open."
I'll take a leap here and share this with you as a way to explain (mostly to myself) what E is all about for me right now...though it may seem unrelated to the rest of this piece, trust me, it's not. It is the piece.
an excerpt from Wendell Berry's "The Country of Marriage" (do not get caught up in the title)...
"...Was it something I said that bound me to you, some mere promise, or worse, the fear of loneliness and death? A (wo)man lost in the woods in the dark, I stood still and said nothing. And then there rose in me, like the earth's empowering brew rising in root and branch, the words of a dream of you I did not know I had dreamed. I was a wanderer who feels the solace of his native land under his feet again and moving in his blood. I went on, blind and faithful. Where I stepped my track was there to steady me. It was no abyss that lay before me, but only the level ground."
wow. wow. wow. How did he know? Wendell rocks.
I love you all. Thanks for being part of my dirt.
