There are so many things to write about today: my dream about being Garrison Keillor's good friend, and his encouragement for me to write A LOT using my over the top enthusiasm in my writing to share my unique perspective; my day with Dad at the farmer's market; my time with Dad in general; my friend Patti's commencement speech at Guilford; my new male friendship and how much it means to me; my friend Elaine's call to me on Mother's Day weekend; my love for piddling around my house; planting my garden and finding turtle eggs; my daughter's tough decisions about a relationship and not being able to keep her from having a broken heart; and, being Julia and Joseph's mother.
Today, it seems like a good idea to think about being a Mom. I could write about my Mom. I had a Mom, and yes, I miss her today. I think of her more than I would've imagined. I hear her in my own laugh, and some silly little things I say. My voice pitch is her voice pitch. I can feel me being like her when I'm out to dinner or lunch with my Dad. I wonder if he feels it too. I have never asked him if I remind him of Mom. I'm not sure I want to know. Sometimes when my girlish enthusiasm comes out, I feel like her, and I can imagine her clearly. People say the bad times will fade away, but I still remember her lying in that bed at Friends' Homes in her last week. I remember the day we took her there and it still fills me with anxiety and grief. She and I had hard times. I needed things from her that she could not give me, and she needed things for herself that I could not provide. I have not forgotten, and I still have to wrestle with the not receiving of those things. But I can also see her beautiful smile and her laughter over being completely delighted by beautiful and simple things like flowers, the cat, my children, Dad, something delicious to eat like strawberries, picking violets, Dionne Warwick or the the Pops on PBS. Mom found happiness in her everyday surroundings, which is sort of it's own little miracle.
I am a Mom. I am the Mother of two people. One of them just wrote the most beautiful message to me on Facebook -- so beautiful that I think my life could be complete right at this moment. I had so much fear about being a Mother. I analyzed it and did column comparisons about the pros and cons. I thought about all the ways that I wasn't mothered. I wondered if people really did have those movie magic relationships with their "best friend" moms. Did people really go their mothers for advice? Were there really mentor-like moms? I tell this a lot, but when I was reading a Barbara Kingsolver book once, the main character talked incessantly about her mother who was sort of "over the top" in awe of her. Anything she did her mother experienced it like she had won the Nobel prize or something. It made me cry. Now it makes me cry for another reason. I get it. I'm that Mom. And the best part is, my kids think I'm that Mom too. I mean, you should see me watching Julia wait tables at Pizza Hut - yeah, her first crappy job! I couldn't be more proud if she were performing brain surgery. It just fills me up to see these two remarkable kids of mine out in the world, doing, well, anything. People say "oh you are a good Mom." Well thank you but there's a secret here: they came this way. I got these two people sent to me who are, frankly, over the top in the fantastic human being way. I knew it on arrival. I could tell. The universe knew how scared I was - scared of my own inabilities, scared I would not know what to do or how to do it - mothering. But who got sent to me were these insanely intuitive, loving, sensible, brilliant, funny, interesting, delightful, beautiful people. My children. Being their Mother is the best thing about my life. They are the people I would choose to be with. Oh, I realize that my hang out time with them is dramatically changing all the time now. Julia is 18 for god's sake, she doesn't even need me to sign forms for her anymore. REGROUP! I have to be invited in, find my way, be careful not to stalk them!
Mother's Day - fraught with all kinds of issues for so many people: loss, difficult relationships, transitions, delight, gratitude, fear, sadness, pride, joy. To say I count myself blessed is a ridiculous understatement. I am thankful everyday for these two children; for being given the opportunity to navigate motherhood with them; for the love they give me.
I hope all the mothers who I admire and have learned from, all the surrogate moms, and mentor moms, know how much I appreciate them for the support and love they've given me and my children for the last 18 years. And somehow, I hope my Mom, my Aunt Mabel and most especially my "Naneen" know that they are my mothers all the time.
