This morning and the last few days are filled with confusion and self doubt. The doubt crescendo ed the other night like a big wave, yet I must say there is a back drop of hope to it. It's like I must ask these questions but I daresay I think I'm on the right track. (Wow, that was bold.) But, what if I'm wrong? What if, after five years on my own, the dust has finally settled and I've taken a long road to nowhere? What if my hunches and instincts, the things that seem to be my biggest asset (because there aren't any others?) were just the scared me running away from adult challenges and responsibilities? Just me running to a fantasy land. A land where I could feel safe, make my own decisions and deal with my own consequences. This hope did come out of my childhood. It was more about protection; more about avoiding pain than pursuing love. Susan Richards writes this after talking about her mother's death: "So I had yearned for the day I would belong only to myself, free from anyone who could make me feel like a burden, who could leave me or die, as if that was possible." But I think my hopes become healthier over the years. They included fantasies of my own space, my own dog, where friends could feel welcomed. The fantasy future time when I would know that I was loved unconditionally; that I would feel chosen and supported, and maybe even celebrated. Where I was interesting enough to induce another's curiosity. Where I would be encouraged to listen to my insides and pursue leadings even though there weren't any sure bets on where they would take me. Where I would push through challenges and get better at things, and would be helped with those challenges even if it just meant having a cheerleader nearby. (Wait, isn't that where I am now in some ways? And, doesn't that sound like a great job description for a mother?)
But the last few weeks have left me discombobulated. I feel like I'm in the spin cycle of a dryer - I don't know which way is up. I don't know how I am supposed to know if I'm on the right track or the totally wrong track. What if I'm wrong and all the things I listed above are not of any lasting value? What if the things I wanted (and have gotten?) are a weird detour or worse, a dead end and I have no where to go from here? What if I did take a long road to nowhere, or worse, I took a loop road and I'm right back to where I started?
Two interesting story lines have developed recently. Story line number 1 has caused these old fears and doubts to rise up causing me to face my big issues, my lessons to learn, again in big ways these last few weeks. It has turned the spotlights on my pathological optimism - which might be ok when it's mixed with practicality and self-care. That damn spiral staircase. Yes, I've moved up the stairs, I have a wider view. Yet, as I circle around to make new upwards headway, BAM there I am again, greeted by the same, exact issues as before. Hey, if you won't stop meeting me like this at every turn of the stairway, (I say to my "issues"), am I going to have to make peace with you? Why can't you just magically disappear? Why can't I be fast enough to dodge you?
If I am going to have this companion-- my very own, special issues-- perhaps I should get to know them better. Poor issues, I've just been trying to beat the ever living crap out of them with my big angst stick. Or, sometimes I put on the darkest pair of shades I can find so I just bloody won't see them. It doesn't matter, I can fight all I want to. I can be that horse who is so fearful that I will try anything to get away - FLEE! I can buck and kick. Or,I can shut down and hide. It doesn't matter - these are my issues and they are not going anywhere until I call on the other parts of myself to make peace with them. I need to name them and then greet them and then mess around with them. Even if I'm terrified.
That is where story line number 2 comes in. Some forces have conspired to to get me within range of some horses and their people. I can choose to see this as random coincidence. But the knowing place inside understands this differently. That place knows that as I am ready, new opportunities to learn come forward.New teachers present themselves. For me, I think I've been getting ready for learning that gets me out of my cerebral hiding place, and into relationships that extend far beyond words and theories. Horses don't analyze their issues to death. They have issues for different reasons. It seems to me to be about nature and nurture. They are born into their animal culture and are prey animals in the kingdom. Just like all of us, we are born into a system Some of it is the environment they got born into. Just like all of us, they were nurtured, or not. They hang on to their fears as long as they have to. But miraculously, even with the fear of being prey, they will endure those fears and risk moving into a relationship when safety and respect is offered. It is trans-formative! It is truly miraculous when you think about it. In this relationship, person and beast, we have the opportunity to embrace our own fears, and simultaneously call upon our own strengths and gifts to give. We get to make peace and be companions with our own issues, and those of another.
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