How many days until 50?

168 days

5 months, 15 days

14,515,200 seconds...well not now!

241,920 minute (from this minute)

4032 hours

24 weeks

until...Karrie is 50.

I just got slammed with the picture of Dorothy at the witch's castle looking at the hourglass! Wait...time out...that's not what I mean!

I mean, I am deciding to think of the next 168 in a distinct way. Between now and November 22, I have set a goal of choosing at least one activity that makes me feel more "real." An activity that I already know makes me feel whole and integrated, that makes me feel "big and tall" and strong. I also, gulp, am deciding to set a fitness and weight goal, and a resources goal. (I'm trying not to use the terms money or savings or financial!)

I feel new life taking root in dirt that is being tended to. At least, dirt that has been recognized. The dirt of myself, and surroundings of place and people, and resources. Only a little work on the dirt produces significant results. That continues to become evident. In the next 168 days, I am going to pay attention to the dirt. I am going to promise to prepare the dirt in a way that gives new life a better chance. All I can do is prepare and care for the dirt.

Today I will ride my bike to Meeting. I will do yoga. I will play tennis. I will pay my bills. I am already writing. I am sitting up straight. I am grateful that the universe/God hears my true heart's desires.

Thoughts for the new year - 2009

I am grateful for the help I have had in finding the way back to knowing about kindness, and good hearted-ness.

Could my mind have calmed down? Could I have found a bit of peace? I think it's ok to be here....in this body, life, house. Settled. For a moment. Surrounding self with other selves who are kind, eccentric, wowed by life and the nuggets of love that are really everywhere if you can see them. For now, I have a little bit of knowing about not having to try so hard. I followed my heart here. My heart is here...not in another state or country or life. It's here. I have to be with that heart here and I will find the life I must make the most of.

"The only journey is the one within" - Rilke

Children (finding our edges together, writing to them-that will be the journal time this year)

Dad (80th birthday, things to say, thanks to give, more time)

Mom (more visits, more quiet time there)

Eddie (letting it unfold, being a harbor)

Karrie (quiet time in mornings, timed news/online reading, time for reading, stretching/yoga, dog walking, music playing!!!, job as job with objectives and goals vs. my personal identity, exercise routine everyday, weight watchers again, only things I love in this house)

WELCOME 2009 - BRING IT ON! 50 YEARS!!!!!!

The sun is blinding me from the back yard on this cold, first day of 2009. I just reread last year's new year's post of mine. Lots of words about slowing down, mammal self, dreaming dreams. Did I do that in 2008? I am sitting here by the fire, taking stock of the last 2 weeks. I took the full 2 week break again but this year I didn't have to give myself the lecture to turn off work. I just did it. I turned my sights to the holidays.

The month was really something. Starting with Julia's birthday and a dinner with family and friends at the house. Then, up to Blowing Rock with Julia and Joseph to get our tree. A Currier and Ives sort of day complete with snow flurries, temps in the 20's, blustery winds. A great moment as a 3-some ( until Joseph developed a raging fever in the middle of the night, but we even navigated that well together). My dear and life-long friend Mer came up and met us to get our trees together. Even though we had to leave rather abruptly due to illness, it was nice to see her and make that connection. Following that was an oddly delicious week of being home with the virus laden Joseph. Four whole days in the house...needing to be here. Amazingly and thanks to a very handsome and tall elf, our house got decorated: tree up, wreath up, lights up. The attention and joy with which it was all done felt like Christmas was coming early every day.

There was a beautiful day and overnight with friendsMaia and Senga, shopping in Chapel Hill, watching movies, eating soup and grilled cheeses at their house with the kids. I asked for a "Christmasy" time with them and voila....we made it so! There was Solstice service, and then Christmas eve service, cider and sugar at my house that night. Christmas day brought Mer back in the morning to watch the kids open presents, and it was a great morning. The afternoon was sweet and warm, and then turned into an evening feast when a hodge-podge of friends and family mingled together in this tiny house, making me feel like the luckiest person of all time.

You see, I'm learning something about living my life right here. I don't know exactly what it's all about yet, but when the scales fall off my eyes, so to speak, I see that what is genuine, what is true, happens. Maybe I don't need to dream a new dream, maybe I need to remember the dream in which I am already. It has something to do with people coming together not out of obligation or enforced parameters, but out of love. Out of enjoyment. Out of wanting to be together. It has something to do with Olivia Walton! And life rafts. And eccentricities. And letting go.

I want my children to know that everytime with them is like Christmas for me. Because of their love and kindness, we had Christmas and more Christmas every day. They embraced the moments with me and reveled in them too.

(from a Ben Folds song...)

I don't get many things right the first time, in fact, I am told that a lot. But all of the wrong turns the stumbles and falls brought me here. And where was I before the day that I first saw your lovely face....now I see it...everyday. And I know....that I am....I am....I am... the luckiest.

I realized a little more about kindness too. I have people in my life now who are kind....I mean they show kindness. They have hearts that swell when love is around. They see love in the simplest of moments. They look for the good in others and delight in genuineness.

To pursue that kindness is my resolution.