Question 1: Body/The Week of Inward Looking

Where have I learned and lived in 2012? In my head, in my body, or both? What would living more fully in my body in 2013 bring to me? How can I embody life and learning as I move through this liminal space between now and next? How can I more fully learn from the neck down in 2013?

In our hyper-intellectualized disembodied world, we sometimes allow technology to take the place of our bodies, don’t we? We sit, with only our arms moving as we type. We’ve even begun to distrust what our bodies say to us. Instead, we learn from the neck up, when learning from the neck down and fully embodying life will provide us with such greater riches. What do you allow yourself to really feel in your body, without the need to clarify, intellectualize, provide proof, capture with data, or block? What can you allow yourself to really feel in your body in 2013?

This first prompt from the ever faithfully encouraging and challenging Patti Digh is part of "The Week of Inward Looking" in which she has invited friends to participate.  It is encouraging, I suppose, to know that so many (the privileged and blessed and lucky) of us are pondering these types of queries at this time of year.  I just reread blog posts here and on another more private blog dating back to 2007.  I do a lot of writing this time of year; a lot of reviewing and assessing and lots of hopeful planning.  Unfortunately, I do it all with a certain amount of dread, wondering when the momentum will give way and be overtaken by the busy-ness, worry and fretting about it all. I can only hope that it is the journey on the spiral staircase, and than it gets better with time.  That with each turn and step of the stairs, I learn a little more.  I think aging helps with this.  What I would give to have some of my current insights in my 30's.  (How I wish I could give them to my children.)  I have had so many moments this past month especially when I realize I am older - I am truly middle aged.  Actually, 53 is "old' to the 20-something- so I'm squeaking by with the middle aged title!  My older self is the one shaking her head at things like the sign that read "Starbucks:  Open on Christmas Day;"  the one who wonders where all the "real" Christmas cards are...why back in my day people just sent beautiful cards and a simple greeting, not a recap of the year (which I did as well);  the junk and the plastic that people rush to buy...I kept having fantasies of holing up in a cabin with a tree, some books, green food and lots of wood for the fireplace (I would invite everyone over of course); I was outraged when I, in a fit of nostalgia, visited the church of my youth on Dec. 23 to find that they use a ...projector...to throw the scripture lines up on the wall of that beautiful, old, church (along with images of Joseph and Mary that looked like they had been going to the nearby gym and beauty salon).  It made me laugh at myself as I grumbled like Norman in "On Golden Pond."  I think it's funny that I'm now a crabbier older person - maybe just discriminating, really.

So as far exercise and moving in space and time, out of the chairs that suck my (much larger) rear end into their deadly clutches each day...I admit it:  I struggle with wanting to get back to a version of me that I discovered at 40.  I wrestle with an all or nothing attitude about my fitness plan...but...not as much as I used to (says older me).  I know that anything, any getting out in the air, anytime I wander into the gym or a yoga class or take a walk with the dogs, or ride my bike...gives me an entirely new perspective on everything.  Entirely! It's a miracle. We were meant to move and work and breathe the OUTSIDE air.  

I have decided to be selfish this year.  I thought this was a new revelation and plan until...lol...I read my old blog posts last night.  Turns out 2012, 11, 10 ...were supposed to be the years of Karrie care.  Selfishness I say...and say it with abandon.  No longer will I see that as negative - I must pay attention to Karrie, care for her, listen, take her places, let her do what she likes to do.  Then and only then, can she possibly have a chance at figuring out how to give what she's got to give.  Moving and paying attention to this self - the whole enchilada bodymindspirit - is the (and has been part of the) plan now.

So, I have been thinking a whole lot about bendiness - my body and how I could nurture it and it could fuel my heart and mind - fuel it by moving it, airing it out, sweating it, feeding it really well, hydrating it, moisturizing it, soothing it, resting it, celebrating it.  So don't laugh, but I've signed up for yoga online, the DailyBurn online, and I'm back to Weight Watchers.  The goal before the new year starts is to map out a plan on how to create the space for this self care - how to let go of my fretting, racing, fear of getting behind - KNOWING that if I tend to Karrie, she will show up at the right moments in the right ways, with something to give.

a quote from Martha Graham, choreographer:

There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening
That is translated through you into action,
And because there is only one of you in all of time
This expression is unique.
And if you block it,
It will never exist through any other medium,
And be lost.
The world will not have it.
It is not your business to determine how good it is,
Nor how valuable, or how it compares with other expressions.
It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly,
to stay open and aware to the urges that motivate you.