So, my beautiful friends, I am jumping off the cliff. Why wait? I am 48 for god's sake, it is about time: time to let you know that each of you influence my thinking on a regular basis; time to throw a pebble out there so at least it'll have a chance of making a ripple; time to make connections/re-connections with you so you will know how much you mean to me; time to ask for your inspiring thoughts; time to look at this beautiful web.
The really big cliff jump happens now, when I write my first words to you about what is on my mind this January. Here goes (don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good, don't let the
perfect be the enemy of the good, don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good...).
I had the good fortune of a restorative break over the holidays. Two full weeks off from "work" at Guilford College. I love Guilford. I spend every day thinking about Guilford. I love my job and feel privileged to have it. But, after almost 4 years, it seems I needed a time out, and I got one. I put the computer away, and tried to hide all the files I brought home from the office, promising myself not to look at them until the end of the holiday. I closed the Guilford shade in my mind and amazingly, had a lot more space and light to see Julia and Joseph, the house, the dogs, the holiday, family and friends, and me. I slowed down. In meeting for worship, I heard something about letting Christmas come to me, instead of trying to grab it before it got away. My breathing got slower. I didn't stress about all the sugar I was eating (at least not in that self-loathing kind of way), or the fact that the exercise had slowed down too. I thought I might need to embrace my mammal self - the me that is connected to earth and seasons, and who might need to slow down, sit by the fire, take a nap, look out the window.
I had grown to really dislike the whole new year's resolution thing. I hate to admit that I followed the in vogue crowd by shunning the whole process (I hate to follow the crowd, but oh well what narcissistic flaw makes me think I'm above the crowd???). I just didn't like the big conversation about a "new year" and "clean slate" so for years just tried to avoid talking about it. But something weird happened in the last few weeks...some clarity about next year started to come forth. The thought of a new start began to sound pretty good. Relaxing my stubborn-ness and giving in to the ideas of the "new year" as a land mark in my life seemed suddenly, refreshing!?
I think it all has something to do with fear, and once again, not letting the perfect be the enemy of the good. So much of the last 4 or 5 years in my life have had to do with facing my fears. And, even though it seems risky to say so out loud, I may be less afraid today than I have been before. I did take a big jump...off of what many viewed as "Mount Security" (or maybe some thought of as "Mount Sanity!") towards what I viewed (by faith alone) as the ever closer shore of "home." (That's another post.) But something about facing fears and taking action has made me less afraid of setting goals and uttering words about what I want to do more of this year. The "this year" part is the really scary part. What if 2009 comes around, (and it will because isn't a year about as long as a month used to be?) and I sucked at everything? Well, I will suck at everything, but just maybe there will be somedays that I get out of my own way enough not to suck at something!
Ready, set, run, JUMP! Here goes...more thoughts about how I'd like to spend the few, precious moments we get on the planet. Funny, when I first started writing these thoughts down, they came out in the negative: "don't do this, stop doing that, don't be afraid to...." I have made myself phrase them in the positive.
- things to do everyday (in no particular order): put healthy fuel into this body; exercise; do some physical labor-some physical chore that is something of a challenge; write; read something; plan the day as best as you know how; answer these 3 questions: "What have I received from others? What have I given to others or given back to others? What trouble and bother have I caused them? (from Naikan - Japanese structured self-reflection developed by Yoshimot Ishin-more later)
- do things as they come up
- make goals
- complete the thoughts you have; go towards the visionary thoughts; find complete-able actions within these thoughts
- finish what you start; pick tasks that you can complete
- turn fear to love; know that visions, dreams hopes emerging out of some place of love, have potential to grow if you put them in the dirt
- see the vision or goal, then you can figure out the steps to get there
- let the "good" be enough - you aren't in control of the perfect anyway! do your job of putting out the positive "pebbles" - pick up a pebble, put it in motion
- slow down
- take the lead, step out, take charge of what you can be in charge of...which is only your intention, but choose intentions
So, there's a theme it seems: not being afraid to have a dream. No, more than that. Go ahead Karrie, dream a dream. I hope we can have this conversation and dream dreams together. That feels like a bold request, but also like one that just makes sense. I read this quote today by Andre Gide: "The most important things to say are those which often I did not think necessary for me to say because they were too obvious." How many times have I said that to myself? But how many times has what seems to be the most obvious of thoughts turned out to be exactly the important pebble to throw out there (but I didn't because of fear...)?
"Life's meaning emerges from conversation in community with people you love," (David Pollard).
You are my community of love.
Let's have a conversation.
I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible;
to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.
-Dawna Markova
I send this to you...maybe selfish...asking for your help...your time...your attention...your thoughts...your dreams. What might happen if we tell each other our most obvious thoughts? If we share other goodnesses we come across...even books, music, quotes, websites, recipes, or just say hello? This is a dream I had, and I am trying to choose it despite fear.
Hey, this jumping feels good....more like a free fall!
.
3 comments:
Well, the link worked from my email! And, I clicked "send." But it does look like you have to have a google account to post a response. Maybe I can give you all my password and account so you can post a regular post.
Karrie Jo,
This is wonderful. I've never done any blogging, but what a wonderful way to stay connected. I started this morning with my mind full of concerns and frustrations and after reading your blog feel a resolve to get less bogged down. Its so hard to not get mired in trying to solve today's problems. I don't really know how this works but I'm glad you included me.
Laura,
It makes a difference in the writing, knowing you might read it. You know you have been my "muse" for facing fears, believing in myself, and taking risks now for a very long time.
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