I can't stop thinking about a quote I read this week.... it went something like "that which you feed grows, and that which you starve dies." It makes my mind run rampant with images of me running in the opposite direction of what needs my nurturing and nutrition, while I see myself chasing after some things I don't care about or even understand - all because I think someone ELSE expects me to. The things I chase everyday run in a chaotic fashion, like a chicken. Me, like the out of shape Rocky Balboa, trying to catch that chicken that is running helter skelter. The chicken without a plan; without intention. The running seems important only because the stopping would cause a totally different kind of action.
Unfortunately I am caught up in a blame game about why I am being "forced" to run crazily around. I have constructed the belief that I must continue this nonsensical scurrying around or else. Or else what? Nothing new will happen if I continue in this way. And, I can feel myself getting mired in resentfulness. Is it mostly of my own making? Why can't I, instead, decide to stop. Take a deep breath. Consider the opportunities that are before me. Consider the one or two steps I could take in the direction of an intention.
Intention. I might be starting to understand this word. It starts with me. A place I'm not comfortable with yet. Going out on that limb - that limb of standing strong in my own intention. I'm so easily swayed. And I am so critical of others who seem to be as easily swayed. It's like I live with some expectation that I must wait for "someone else" to stand firmly, so that I can "follow" suit. No. No. No. It is time to take risks by cultivating my own intentions. Until now, intention in me has come from some sub-floor of my consiousness. It must have strength because there have been times when even I couldn't deny it. Even I couldn't convince it to be quiet and listen to what everyone else was saying about why "its" ideas were crazy and impossible.
Perhaps it's time to feed my intentions. Or, feed that garden in me where intention might grow. What can I do now, today, to start? Shall I start to pay attention to what I am feeding? Mindfulness training seems to have something to do with noticing. Let me notice what I'm feeding, and in turn, what I'm starving to death.
Feeding - the frenzy. Feeding - the fears. Feeding - the voices of the "others" in my head and letting them have a say in what is important and what is not. Feeding - blame. Feeding - the paperwork and spreadsheets. Feeding - the attempts to justify ...what???
Starving - the conversations. Starving - the time one on one with beloveds, and potential beloveds. Starving - the wild and free ideas and enthusiasm. Starving - the body's need for outside. Starving - the creature need for playing on the edge. Starving - reading. Starving - writing. Starving - meditation and yoga.
Today I am feeding the writing. Let me notice what I am feeding and what I am starving.
