After 29 days away from home, away from Guilford, I find myself in the delicious spot of having perspective. I can "see" Greensboro, my house, my life and my work life very differently. Greensboro seems vibrant but small enough to embrace. My home feels the same way to me now. I feel disengaged from the vortex of negativity and anxiety about work, and fully engaged with what matters about work. I feel strong and boundaried. I hear myself asking the question "what do YOU want" at least as loudly as "what will make the others happy." Ah that is it. What I want matters. What is and isn't ok with me matters. What allows me to take one step at a time matters the most. Joseph calls me a turtle. He says he means it in the best ways. For the first time I am truly embracing my turtleness. I want to move slowly through the day. I want to examine every leaf and cucumber, every dog at my house, every bite of pound cake, every word on a page. I want to keep saying "NO" to reactivity and panic. I want to say "yes" to picking up the phone and "visiting." I loved that word and used it on the work trip. "I hope we have a chance to VISIT when I'm in the area" is what I would say. Visiting implies slowing down, listening, letting the conversation wander and meander and find its own way - like Goose Creek or Tongue River in Wyoming. Those water trails curve and bend so beautifully, and the lush growth has followed the water's curvaciousness and settled into its nooks and crannies. Settling into a conversation and letting it reach it's own level of sultry curvaciousness offers gifts beyond measure. So, this turtleness makes me feel strong and helps me feel connected to the parts of myself that I so often pine away for: calmness, thoughtfulness, curiosity and inquisitiveness, the ability to delight in the moment, the sense to allow the moment to teach me something.
I saw dear Charlie in Wyoming spinning around in his anxiety. Like a whirling dervish he spun while right in the middle of profound beauty and wide openness. The kind of wide openness that offers such perspective to us humans. We can actually feel our flea like proportion to the earth -- our microbial proportion to the universe.
This morning I went to Starbucks, got my americano and my Greensboro paper. I walked for the second day by Sam, my cowboy character seemingly placed there just for me everyday as a reminder of the plains, the Big Horns, the rugged individualists and well mannered folks of the wild west. I don't know much about him. I don't need to know that much. We chat lightly about our love of that part of the country, of horses, of our longing to be out there in the clear air where we can see a long far! Today I did think twice about walking by Sam...what would we talk about today? Maybe I could go in the side door. Coward! But I walked on by , tipped my figurative hat, and ordered my coffee. I thought to myself, it would be nice if he sought me out to talk today, and proceeded to sit outside and read the paper. A few minutes later, he walked out and sat down, saying he'd been waiting for my friend request on Facebook (to see the Wyo pics). It was so nice. Intention...powerful.
You know I learned something else on this trip and with this being away so long. I don't need to find out all the answers, cause there aren't any anyway! Chit chatting is just fine and maybe better than fine. It is part of going slowly. See what develops out of the chit chat. No need to be so anxious about any outcomes. Let it unfold. Lead with your turtle.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Morning at alumni house...
Everyday I walk along the gravel path from my car, through the azaleas, and up the wooden ramp to the door of this place. And everyday I do that, I think about how grateful I am for this physical house and its surroundings, and also for this opportunity to have employment at Guilford College among a vibrant group of people - students and faculty mostly - who are "playing on the edge" of things slightly beyond their comfort zone a lot of the time.
Sometimes, just giving a co-staff person from the caf a ride from the bus stop to Founders can re-organize your whole perspective. Sometimes, just noticing how beautiful the campus is in spring can do that too. Sometimes, starting your day by praying that you can do something just one thing that contributes to the greater good is a game changer - if you can hold onto it.
I've been thinking a lot about "comfort zones." I've been asking myself if I can find the courage to get out of mine. I wonder, can I take some risks and put ideas out into the wider world of campus that might contribute to positive change? Or, is my safety zone right here in front of the laptop screen, hurriedly answering emails that somehow trick me into thinking I am being productive?
Sometimes, maybe most times, it takes reaching out to someone else on campus or in the world who's willing to talk about new ideas that makes the difference. Having someone to chew on things with, to rally with someone over an idea or a new concept is what shifts things enough for change to begin. Yesterday was one of those days. A good, exploratory lunch conversation with a respected colleague led to a scheduled conversation today with campus leaders that could initiate a truly positive change for the work of campus life, alumni relations, and leadership programs. I feel rejuvenated and excited by the possibilities.
Sometimes, just giving a co-staff person from the caf a ride from the bus stop to Founders can re-organize your whole perspective. Sometimes, just noticing how beautiful the campus is in spring can do that too. Sometimes, starting your day by praying that you can do something just one thing that contributes to the greater good is a game changer - if you can hold onto it.
I've been thinking a lot about "comfort zones." I've been asking myself if I can find the courage to get out of mine. I wonder, can I take some risks and put ideas out into the wider world of campus that might contribute to positive change? Or, is my safety zone right here in front of the laptop screen, hurriedly answering emails that somehow trick me into thinking I am being productive?
Sometimes, maybe most times, it takes reaching out to someone else on campus or in the world who's willing to talk about new ideas that makes the difference. Having someone to chew on things with, to rally with someone over an idea or a new concept is what shifts things enough for change to begin. Yesterday was one of those days. A good, exploratory lunch conversation with a respected colleague led to a scheduled conversation today with campus leaders that could initiate a truly positive change for the work of campus life, alumni relations, and leadership programs. I feel rejuvenated and excited by the possibilities.
Friday, March 18, 2011
growing and dying...
I can't stop thinking about a quote I read this week.... it went something like "that which you feed grows, and that which you starve dies." It makes my mind run rampant with images of me running in the opposite direction of what needs my nurturing and nutrition, while I see myself chasing after some things I don't care about or even understand - all because I think someone ELSE expects me to. The things I chase everyday run in a chaotic fashion, like a chicken. Me, like the out of shape Rocky Balboa, trying to catch that chicken that is running helter skelter. The chicken without a plan; without intention. The running seems important only because the stopping would cause a totally different kind of action.
Unfortunately I am caught up in a blame game about why I am being "forced" to run crazily around. I have constructed the belief that I must continue this nonsensical scurrying around or else. Or else what? Nothing new will happen if I continue in this way. And, I can feel myself getting mired in resentfulness. Is it mostly of my own making? Why can't I, instead, decide to stop. Take a deep breath. Consider the opportunities that are before me. Consider the one or two steps I could take in the direction of an intention.
Intention. I might be starting to understand this word. It starts with me. A place I'm not comfortable with yet. Going out on that limb - that limb of standing strong in my own intention. I'm so easily swayed. And I am so critical of others who seem to be as easily swayed. It's like I live with some expectation that I must wait for "someone else" to stand firmly, so that I can "follow" suit. No. No. No. It is time to take risks by cultivating my own intentions. Until now, intention in me has come from some sub-floor of my consiousness. It must have strength because there have been times when even I couldn't deny it. Even I couldn't convince it to be quiet and listen to what everyone else was saying about why "its" ideas were crazy and impossible.
Perhaps it's time to feed my intentions. Or, feed that garden in me where intention might grow. What can I do now, today, to start? Shall I start to pay attention to what I am feeding? Mindfulness training seems to have something to do with noticing. Let me notice what I'm feeding, and in turn, what I'm starving to death.
Feeding - the frenzy. Feeding - the fears. Feeding - the voices of the "others" in my head and letting them have a say in what is important and what is not. Feeding - blame. Feeding - the paperwork and spreadsheets. Feeding - the attempts to justify ...what???
Starving - the conversations. Starving - the time one on one with beloveds, and potential beloveds. Starving - the wild and free ideas and enthusiasm. Starving - the body's need for outside. Starving - the creature need for playing on the edge. Starving - reading. Starving - writing. Starving - meditation and yoga.
Today I am feeding the writing. Let me notice what I am feeding and what I am starving.
Unfortunately I am caught up in a blame game about why I am being "forced" to run crazily around. I have constructed the belief that I must continue this nonsensical scurrying around or else. Or else what? Nothing new will happen if I continue in this way. And, I can feel myself getting mired in resentfulness. Is it mostly of my own making? Why can't I, instead, decide to stop. Take a deep breath. Consider the opportunities that are before me. Consider the one or two steps I could take in the direction of an intention.
Intention. I might be starting to understand this word. It starts with me. A place I'm not comfortable with yet. Going out on that limb - that limb of standing strong in my own intention. I'm so easily swayed. And I am so critical of others who seem to be as easily swayed. It's like I live with some expectation that I must wait for "someone else" to stand firmly, so that I can "follow" suit. No. No. No. It is time to take risks by cultivating my own intentions. Until now, intention in me has come from some sub-floor of my consiousness. It must have strength because there have been times when even I couldn't deny it. Even I couldn't convince it to be quiet and listen to what everyone else was saying about why "its" ideas were crazy and impossible.
Perhaps it's time to feed my intentions. Or, feed that garden in me where intention might grow. What can I do now, today, to start? Shall I start to pay attention to what I am feeding? Mindfulness training seems to have something to do with noticing. Let me notice what I'm feeding, and in turn, what I'm starving to death.
Feeding - the frenzy. Feeding - the fears. Feeding - the voices of the "others" in my head and letting them have a say in what is important and what is not. Feeding - blame. Feeding - the paperwork and spreadsheets. Feeding - the attempts to justify ...what???
Starving - the conversations. Starving - the time one on one with beloveds, and potential beloveds. Starving - the wild and free ideas and enthusiasm. Starving - the body's need for outside. Starving - the creature need for playing on the edge. Starving - reading. Starving - writing. Starving - meditation and yoga.
Today I am feeding the writing. Let me notice what I am feeding and what I am starving.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
android
Well, apparently that cool ability I had to post from my phone didn't work this time. Dang and it was a good one too.
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