Thoughts for the new year - 2009

I am grateful for the help I have had in finding the way back to knowing about kindness, and good hearted-ness.

Could my mind have calmed down? Could I have found a bit of peace? I think it's ok to be here....in this body, life, house. Settled. For a moment. Surrounding self with other selves who are kind, eccentric, wowed by life and the nuggets of love that are really everywhere if you can see them. For now, I have a little bit of knowing about not having to try so hard. I followed my heart here. My heart is here...not in another state or country or life. It's here. I have to be with that heart here and I will find the life I must make the most of.

"The only journey is the one within" - Rilke

Children (finding our edges together, writing to them-that will be the journal time this year)

Dad (80th birthday, things to say, thanks to give, more time)

Mom (more visits, more quiet time there)

Eddie (letting it unfold, being a harbor)

Karrie (quiet time in mornings, timed news/online reading, time for reading, stretching/yoga, dog walking, music playing!!!, job as job with objectives and goals vs. my personal identity, exercise routine everyday, weight watchers again, only things I love in this house)

WELCOME 2009 - BRING IT ON! 50 YEARS!!!!!!

The sun is blinding me from the back yard on this cold, first day of 2009. I just reread last year's new year's post of mine. Lots of words about slowing down, mammal self, dreaming dreams. Did I do that in 2008? I am sitting here by the fire, taking stock of the last 2 weeks. I took the full 2 week break again but this year I didn't have to give myself the lecture to turn off work. I just did it. I turned my sights to the holidays.

The month was really something. Starting with Julia's birthday and a dinner with family and friends at the house. Then, up to Blowing Rock with Julia and Joseph to get our tree. A Currier and Ives sort of day complete with snow flurries, temps in the 20's, blustery winds. A great moment as a 3-some ( until Joseph developed a raging fever in the middle of the night, but we even navigated that well together). My dear and life-long friend Mer came up and met us to get our trees together. Even though we had to leave rather abruptly due to illness, it was nice to see her and make that connection. Following that was an oddly delicious week of being home with the virus laden Joseph. Four whole days in the house...needing to be here. Amazingly and thanks to a very handsome and tall elf, our house got decorated: tree up, wreath up, lights up. The attention and joy with which it was all done felt like Christmas was coming early every day.

There was a beautiful day and overnight with friendsMaia and Senga, shopping in Chapel Hill, watching movies, eating soup and grilled cheeses at their house with the kids. I asked for a "Christmasy" time with them and voila....we made it so! There was Solstice service, and then Christmas eve service, cider and sugar at my house that night. Christmas day brought Mer back in the morning to watch the kids open presents, and it was a great morning. The afternoon was sweet and warm, and then turned into an evening feast when a hodge-podge of friends and family mingled together in this tiny house, making me feel like the luckiest person of all time.

You see, I'm learning something about living my life right here. I don't know exactly what it's all about yet, but when the scales fall off my eyes, so to speak, I see that what is genuine, what is true, happens. Maybe I don't need to dream a new dream, maybe I need to remember the dream in which I am already. It has something to do with people coming together not out of obligation or enforced parameters, but out of love. Out of enjoyment. Out of wanting to be together. It has something to do with Olivia Walton! And life rafts. And eccentricities. And letting go.

I want my children to know that everytime with them is like Christmas for me. Because of their love and kindness, we had Christmas and more Christmas every day. They embraced the moments with me and reveled in them too.

(from a Ben Folds song...)

I don't get many things right the first time, in fact, I am told that a lot. But all of the wrong turns the stumbles and falls brought me here. And where was I before the day that I first saw your lovely face....now I see it...everyday. And I know....that I am....I am....I am... the luckiest.

I realized a little more about kindness too. I have people in my life now who are kind....I mean they show kindness. They have hearts that swell when love is around. They see love in the simplest of moments. They look for the good in others and delight in genuineness.

To pursue that kindness is my resolution.

Sunday morning

What do you do when you reach a moment where you realize that, even in mid-life and just when you thought you may be doomed to repeat your bad habits, you actually have evolved? In some minuscule, subtle shifting sort of way, that seemed to happen this week. And, not only once...but several times. And not just myself, I witnessed the evolution of relationships. Even as I write this I hear a voice in my head reminding me that life is not linear. My bad habits will indeed (and have indeed! for always and always) repeat themselves. I'll give into my vices and familiar ways to self sabotage (old Larry Hof language Elaine!), but by gum, unless or until I lose all ability to remember, I will know that I have touched change.

So what am I talking about? I'm talking about a few moments this week. Me, Karrie, I took a stand. I said my truth, and in the workplace. I took on a role of supervisor handed to me mostly out of my colleague's avoidance of a certain office situation, so not under the purest of circumstances. But you know, I was perhaps more up to the task than I gave myself credit for. Facing a difficult personnel relationship, and framing it the way I thought best. It's really all about saying what needs to be said.

And then it happened again...when I decided to make it clear that certain conversations in front of my children with "his" friends are not acceptable.
"Do not let it happen again!" Turning outrage into change. Hearing my children say, "you should get mad more often Mom!" The more ME there is, the more I give to them, because, that's all I have to give to them - myself. My authentic self.

And then, it happened again! I brought a bigger portion of myself along to my "relationship" (*now here's a dilemma, what do I call the relationship I'm in? Most of you don't even know it, some of you just a glimmer...but it's a place where I'm learning and growing and digging around in the "dirt" I so longed for....ok, we'll just call him "E" and we won't say "boyfriend" because, well, that just sounds silly). I, remember me Karrie, said how mad I was about something...and that anger was accepted and, gulp, appreciated!! Why didn't any of you tell me that when you put your real, true, righteous anger out there, and it's heard, that POOF, it goes away. There's really no need to hold onto it. Done. Move on...get to the next place. YEAH.

Honestly, this week has been about relaxing; relaxing into myself. Actively participating in the faith that I can trust the sliver of my true self that I've gotten to know, because it's not ultimately from or about me. It's just about the truth. It's something about spirituality.

Let me give you a snapshot of the week, that explains why I feel so moved this morning to write and give thanks: my yard (remember now, I have a yard!), with me, "E" and my Dad cutting grass, trimming bushes, raking, and me using a tiller for my GARDEN to get it ready to plant! Did you get the Karrie, E and Dad visual? Oh, and did I mention 3 dogs to complete the visual? Yep, the kids were missing (they are at their Dad's), and boy do I wish they'd been here. Do I need to say more? I don't think so.

DIRT.

BEAUTIFUL, RICH, DEEP, FULL OF POTENTIAL .... DIRT.

I'm starting to understand its appeal for me. Why I'm drawn to it. Why I might need to not only get into it, but take pictures of it. I feel like un-tilled dirt sometimes. Life lived on the surface. Not much digging. By digging, I don't mean exploring, I've done some of that. By digging I mean action...facing fears, movement, being present, taking a damn full breath, speaking my words clearly and with volume enough to be heard. To touch that dirt, and just feel it, dig around in it. When you are in the dirt, you are just there...surrounded by potential. You don't really know for what, but you need that dirt to get it going. The rest really isn't about anything you have control over. It will come. "Way will open."

I'll take a leap here and share this with you as a way to explain (mostly to myself) what E is all about for me right now...though it may seem unrelated to the rest of this piece, trust me, it's not. It is the piece.


an excerpt from Wendell Berry's "The Country of Marriage" (do not get caught up in the title)...

"...Was it something I said that bound me to you, some mere promise, or worse, the fear of loneliness and death? A (wo)man lost in the woods in the dark, I stood still and said nothing. And then there rose in me, like the earth's empowering brew rising in root and branch, the words of a dream of you I did not know I had dreamed. I was a wanderer who feels the solace of his native land under his feet again and moving in his blood. I went on, blind and faithful. Where I stepped my track was there to steady me. It was no abyss that lay before me, but only the level ground."

wow. wow. wow. How did he know? Wendell rocks.


I love you all. Thanks for being part of my dirt.

Valentine's Day

Love, Love, Love to you all.

I am writing this without much of a clue as to what will emerge. I usually write after writing! That is, I will do those morning pages...that dump of the mind's clutter and often critical voices...and then some nugget of a thought will start to make itself clear. But tonight I am winging it. Because, after all, it is Valentine's Day. The day of sweethearts? The day of the crazy culture putting expectations into our heads. I remember those days when I thought that there were tangible measures of love...like a gift, flowers (best only if delivered in front of others at work or somewhere), cards. Something to PROVE that love was there and I was actually being considered and thought of. Only made real by the knowing eyes of others.

But tonight, I got a tangible gift of a different kind. A visit. A visitor. A presence. The culture's agonizing litany of expectations has all but disappeared in this homecoming of a relationship. And tonight, there was another step closer. A stepping into my week of domesticity and mothering. A hand out to my child. Eye contact, the effort to make it, and to mouth the words "I love you."

Knowing your beloved is out there, living in the world, with thoughts of you throughout the day. That you are influencing their view of the landscape, as they are influencing yours. Wanting to be your best self. To even know the concept of "beloved." Beyond Valentine, lover or sweetheart. Not "just", but just, your touchstone each day.

Happy Valentine's Day to me.

Just read this...

Really, the best possible thing I could write today is this strong suggestion: go to 37days.typepad.com and read this hilarious, important message and challenge from Patti. I love her. I am excited because I have wanted her to come and do her work at Guilford, and she is doing just that with her business partner David on Feb. 20th.
Hey, I asked for what I wanted.

Isn't this just the perfect message to follow the theme of "think bigger, see wider, get out of the jar...?" Know what you know. What do you want?

Abundance

When I was in a dark place a few years ago, scared out of my mind, I met Melanie Weidner at Guilford. She is a Quaker artist and spriritual director. I was new at Guilford and was flailing around in these dark waters looking for a handhold. I listened to my instincts enough to know that there had to be some handholds at Guilford...somewhere. Melanie was a visiting lecturer on campus to do some art workshops and had offered to meet with anyone who wanted to have a one-on-one session with her. So I called and set up an appointment. I probably wouldn't have done this at all had I not been feeling pretty desperate. I mean, I was a "therapist" in some alternate universe so I would have been highly skeptical of anyone without the "right" credentials. Yeah, that was just a flimsy shield against my own fear of vulnerability. (Turns out I had only been looking for sweet vulnerability in myself, and in a loved one.) And, who in their right mind allowed me to be called a "therapist" anyway?! Oh, that's grist for another mill someday.

So, I made an appointment to meet with Melanie, having never laid eyes on this woman. I met her in the Moon Room on campus. This is a beautiful, small, simple, serene Meeting for Worship room with benches in a Quaker square. My dear, dear friend Dick Dyer passed away in that room while delivering a talk to freshman parents in 1997. I can hardly be in there for anytime at all without crying. It's a place with a heavy presence for me, and was that way even before Dick made his grand exit. (I miss him so much.) Melanie was waiting for me there. "She's a child" I said in my head. She is a very young looking 30 something year old
( barely 30 I think). Her demeanor was welcoming, kind, eager, intensely genuine. I tried, but couldn't let her age or spunkiness block my way. I needed all that eagerness to help and hold my hand that she seemed to offer before the first word was spoken. I was in the place of needing....not a place I was used to or comfortable with. I basically let Melanie hold me up as I poured my heart out about being in this new territory, scared to death (did I mention I was scared?). I was scared but I was also not unhappy...I knew somehow that this new terrain was exactly where I needed to be. We talked about possibility and faith, and letting ourselves "be" in the darkness. She really understood my mixed up feelings of fear, anticipation, rightness and confusion.

One word I think of when I think of Melanie is "abundance." It's strange to write about it this morning, after just reading about women in Haiti eating dirt in their desperate measures to find food. But perhaps it does apply when you think about the abundance that we experience, and how, if it was shared, dirt as a staple would not be necessary. I digress, again. Melanie talked about God as abundant. That word made so much sense to me at that moment in my life. It goes back to seeing "small." I had lived with tunnel vision, not embracing, at least, the concept of abundance. I had lived thinking I had to hold onto every shred of everything, because there just might not be enough. It might all go away suddenly. Melanie's whole posture is the antithesis to that mentality. She speaks of the vastness of God, and the abundance of love and gifts available to all of us. When I thought about that, I felt as if I started to understand faith for the first time in my life. It's about abundance. Unlimited love. Being given this new, scary, unknown landscape, I was actually experiencing the abundance of God. It all made sense to me, at least for a moment.

It was quite an experience for me to allow Melanie to care for me by listening with such empathy. She has become a trusted touch point person. Just seeing her face when she comes back to Guilford is all I need to be reminded of abundance.

I am feeling such abundance today, and friends, I had a completely "in the jar" day yesterday. The old Karrie demons of self-doubt and insecurity were having a party in my head. I am only able to take the blinders off my limited vision in a small and feeble, human way. But when I acknowledge that they are there, God in God's abundance, opens up the way. Way opens friend, way opens. Despite ourselves.

I was thinking of listing all the books I have started right now...(oh how I wish I would complete one!). But one especially comes to mind today. I'm not sure if I can say why exactly I'm making this connection today. But anyway, it's called THE BARN AT THE END OF THE WORLD; The Apprenticeship of a Quaker, Buddhist Shepherd, by Mary Rose O'Reilley. I know you all would like it. When I met Mary Rose (ok, yes it was at Guilford), she looked like an austere, Quaker woman. Those kind who totally intimidate me with their seemingly perfect, simplistic lifestyles; completely centered and clear of mind. Her hair was in a a tight bun, and her clothes were probably hand woven, simple, plain, with a small but daring splash of deep eggplant (probably dyed with eggplant juice, I supposed) in her SHAWL. I was not going to relate to this woman. In fact, she is the very prototype of person that pushes every single inadequate button I have. And then....she opened her mouth. She is hysterically funny, irreverant, and so full of humility. She was so honest about her weaknesses, temptations and struggles. I could not get enough of her. She did a poetry reading (I hate poetry readings, ok, I confess it), but her's were incredibly open, funny, poignant. I laughed and cried...all the qualities of a great movie!

So you should read this book. I'm almost finished! (1/2 way done in my book is practically done.)

Here are some quotes from Mary Rose:

"Things go well or badly without explanation, but our humble vision of a good outcome (call it prayer) turns the will of time."

"How I admire messy individuals. What orderly minds they must have. I require clean spaces without to mediate the chatter within. My mind, unlike my dresser drawers, is full of mismatched socks and odd kitchen implements."
(that describes me to a "tee")

(love this one)
"Whatever your eye falls on-for it will fall on what you love-will lead you to the questions of your life, the questions that are incumbent upon you to answer, because that is how the mind works in concert with the eye. The things of this world draw us where we want to go."

Finally today, I have to say to each of you who might read this, that you represent that abundance. You have given me such unending, and unconditional love. I cannot ever believe my good fortune in knowing you.

There is abundance for our eyes.

February

It's February...already. I wrote 2 posts on this blog in January, and even let a few friends know about it. That is big stuff. You set a goal Karrie? You acted on it? I do think that most of us limit our greatness potential because of our fears and thinking small. Some of what I've been through the last several years has left me understanding that experiment sometimes done with flies....they are put in a jar for a long time, and then, when the lid is taken off, they just stay in the jar. They have forgotten that they can fly out. They have become conditioned to their immediate space and have embraced it as their whole universe. Or maybe those flies look up and outside of that jar and are scared shitless! "It's too big, too far, too UNKNOWN" I can just hear them saying to their other fly friends. Partially semi-conscious (I have lived in THAT space) and partially scared out of their minds (I have been there too-mostly some part of everyday), those flies just say "I'm cool with this dang jar, how about you guys?"

Recently, as I have envisioned life outside the jar. I have perhaps taken short excursions above that lid. It's scary, yes, to move beyond the safety of the jar. Is this what all that talk of faith was about? Daring to move beyond the jar, to unknown territory, and know somehow that you'll be ok? That something beyond anything you can conceive of is running this show? Not my feebly small mind? I remember walking on the beach one time and seeing the sand right in front of my feet, maybe the face of a passerby if they walked right by me, etc. Then, it's as though I got different lenses and I started to look wider...there were 100's and 1000's of things I didn't see before....it was amazing to me how limited my vision had been. I adopted this mantra that day..."there's more than you can see, there's more than you can see."

Today could be one of those "out of the jar" days for me. I'm still experimenting on how personal to get on this blog thing...but only my loved ones are reading this. So if you haven't checked it out, there are really good things happending at Guilford college these days! I get to go be part of something good today...I see it with my little eyes, but have to believe that there's so much more than I can see. I hope I can be open to air above the lid, new views and vantage points, enough to contribute with a positive pebble thrown.

PROSPECTIVE IMMIGRANTS PLEASE NOTE, by Adrienne Rich

Either you will go through this door or you will not go through.

If you go through there is always the risk of remembering your name.

Things look back at you and you must look back and let them happen.

If you do not go through it is possible to live worthily.

To maintain your attitudes, to hold your position, to die bravely.

But much will blind you, much will evade you, at what cost, who knows?

The door itself makes no promises.

It is only a door.